Its been a while since i posted anything here, but i once again am struggling with life's pointless little problems that in the grand scheme of the universe are little more important than than a spec of dust.
I find myself contemplating the importance of me and my issues and that inevitably leads on to my worth. I know and have done for some time that i am worth very little; i am not particularly smart or innovative, i am not particularly talented in any useful way and as mush as i try little that i do makes any real difference to anyone. I feel more and more like a dead weight draining the resources others need far more than i do. i watch as my selfish dreams and desires take away from others who are far more worthy or far more needing than i. I watch as my actions, however noble there intentions, only succeed in disappointing me or those i care about.
This feeling and contemplation is becoming more and more present in my life. I can't remember the last time i made someone truly happy or proud, not even myself. It seems that the more i try to put my life on track and do some good in the world the more the opposite happens and i am left feeling angry or hurt or both. I try to drown the feelings out but i am only left feeling nothing and that numbness becomes overwhelming to a point where you no longer care about what might or might not happen to you and superficial things like pain or happiness or any feeling melt into a memory that sits somewhere in the corner of your mind, like an old book that has been there so long that no one notices it anymore. The only attention it gets is when someone new spots it and asks why it is there and you say it has been there so long that you don't really notice it and even then you don't touch it because your unsure of what to do with it if you do.
One day i might reclaim myself from this emptiness but for now i will try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope someone comes along and notices the book and helps me find a place for it.
